Loneliness

THis is the loneliest day since I returned to this place. I feel like noone needs or wants me. I feel absolutely supourpluous. My advisor says he wants to talk to me, and I'm afraid he'll ruin everything. I can't function properly when I feel like they're on my back all the time. I don't function when I'm being watched! I feel caged, imprisoned, as if I'll never get away from them. Why now! I have found my goal. I don't want or need them to talk to me. The sleeping problem is fixed, and I have a reason to go back to classes. No one understands that I don't see a reason for some of them. That sometimes I feel that it's all so pointless... They won't believe me when I say I'm on top of things, because I have said that before. I didn't have my goal back then. I didn't have my reason. I don't want their help! Why wont they leave me alone!
I know it's my own fault, but I'm only hurting myself! I know it's my responsibility, but I'm not hurting anyone else!
Daina says she thinks I deserve it. She wants me to be yelled at, because of the classes I've missed. Why is it such a crime? I am the only one who pays... According to Mill, this is tyranny of the society. They have no right to impose on my wishes "for my own good". I have the right to do what I want with my life, as long as I am not hurting anyone.
I feel like a piece of shit. No one needs me, no one wants me, and I am all alone. Why am I so sad? I haven't felt so down since last year! Why is it returning? Is it the season? Then why so suddenly? I just want to roll over and die. I know I'm useless! I don't want to be told over and over again. It doesn't really help my morale.
I know what he's going to say. He'll tell me it's not good, and that things are getting serious. He'll tell me how many teachers are "worried" and "concerned" and then he'll say what I have to do. Go to all classes from now on and until Christmass or I'm dead. Write extra essays and stuff, and fix my problems, or I'm dead. And when I do as they say. when I go to all my classes, and hand in the extra essays, they'll say it was all I needed, and that their timing was good. They don't know that I would have done it anyways, because of my new goal. They'll never know that I cleared up myself. They'll always believe that I am bad, no matter what I do. I can't fix it. I've tried, and this was going to be the final showe. I wan't their respect, not their pity. Maybe it's no use.Maybe there's no point in trying. It won't change anything anyway.

This rant was something I needed. Sorry for burdening you with this.